Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
