he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
