fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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