i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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