my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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