You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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