Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
