YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
