I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
