Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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