1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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