I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
