my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize