Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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