Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
