the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
