he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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