You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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