i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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