i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
