Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
