As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
did you just send me my own nude
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
