My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
