Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize