You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
