Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
