the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
