dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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