i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
