She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
