I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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