Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
