hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
