anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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