Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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