Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
