when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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