I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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