y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
