The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
