A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
