I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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