If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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