so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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