I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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