grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
