i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
