omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
