Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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