I'm really into asian looking animals
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
