I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
