Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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