The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
