Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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